How Do You Know When To Leave?
To leave or not to leave?
When a relationship no longer works for you, whether that be a job, partner, or friendship, how do you know when it’s time to leave? What could you do to improve it and stay? If you’ve decided to leave, how can you do it with love, in a way that limits everyone’s pain and discomfort, and lets you value the relationship for what it was?
If you’re coming to the conclusion that you could be happier out of your relationship, there are probably plenty of signs that it no longer offers you what you want or need. It may be that it never did, and you were happy to compromise. Often, it is us and our own needs that change, rather than the other person.
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Do you need to leave?
Sometimes, it might not even be necessary to leave the relationship. Many relationships that seem to be lacking or failing can in fact be improved. It only takes one side to change their mindset and expectations to make a situation better. Imagine how much better it could be if both people worked at it.
I recently left a business partnership, a startup that I had invested 5 months of effort and money in. I decided I no longer wanted to be a partner with the other people in the group. I could have stayed, and protected my investment, but there were clear signs that this was no longer something I wanted to pursue.
Look out for the signs
Sometimes we don’t see those signs until way down the line. Other times, we notice them, but we ignore them for fear of where they’ll lead us.
How many times have you said to yourself, “I wish I hadn’t listened to my gut instinct”?
Ever? Even once? Probably not.
Our gut instincts are rarely wrong, but instead of working through the early signs of potential problems, we often play them down.
There are some common indicators in any kind of relationship — work, romantic or friendship — that things are not as good as they could be. When we’re faced with these signs, I would argue the first step is to attend to them and try to make the relationship better.
You’re bored
Boredom can be an indication of a stale relationship. However, this is also one of the easiest problems to resolve, and so doesn’t necessarily need to lead to the end of the relationship
If you’re bored in a job it implies you’re not being pushed enough, there are too few challenges or the work is too repetitive.
Does your job have any scope for new tasks or responsibilities? You might not be aware of other possibilities — perhaps talking with your boss could result in new, more interesting options. Romantic and friendship relationships also suffer from periods of boredom, but again, this doesn’t need to mean the end.
If you want to do new things but your partner or friend does not, you can’t force them. How important to you is it to try new things? How bored are you?
It’s your choice whether you stay in the relationship and change nothing, or, stay but do the new things on your own, or, leave.
Making the choice to stay, even if the other person doesn’t want to change the status quo, doesn’t need to lead to more frustration on your part.
Let’s say you decide to stay because you are ‘happy enough’ with the relationship as it is. If you like your reasons for staying, great. Bear in mind that complaining when your partner refuses to do new things is not going to add to your happiness though. If you stay, then stay, but be happy with your decision, knowing the limitations of the situation.
Sometimes though, we do need to go to pastures new to continue our personal growth.
In my case, I wasn’t bored in the business start-up that I left. But I knew my growth would be greater elsewhere.
You’re overworked
We tend to think of being overworked as a workplace problem, but it can be true of our family life and friendships too.
Do you feel your role is unfairly overburdened? Do you have too many duties to complete in one day? Are you exhausted each night when you collapse into your bed?
Many of my girlfriends complain that their partners don’t do as much as them in terms of housework and childcare.
Some of them address their concerns in weekly family meetings. Others don’t really address it beyond having the occasional moan. If we don’t take responsibility for our own happiness, we can’t expect others to do it for us. But our problems will rarely improve if we leave them to fester.
If you feel like this in your job, have you tried speaking with your manager and expressing your concerns? You might find a solution that allows you to stay where you are, rather than having to jump ship because you are overworked.
In my start-up business, I definitely felt overworked.
And it was my own fault.
Difference of opinion
We had agreed to an equal input of time and capital. However, a few partners were simply not pulling their weight. Consequently, some of us were doing more to try to compensate and get the business off the ground.
We had several discussions to try to resolve the imbalance. Most of the ‘overworked’ partners came together and proposed solutions. This went on for some weeks, during which we continued to do more than everyone else.
I own that. I wanted the business to succeed. I chose to be overworked.
We just couldn’t agree on how to resolve the problem. One solution was to remove the partners who weren’t pulling their weight, but certain individuals felt too uncomfortable to do that.
Sometimes we can agree to disagree, and be happy enough with the compromise. Other times, a difference of opinion is a deal-breaker.
You feel resentful
I started to feel resentful about the extra time I was putting in.
I had already completed a project, prior to the start-up, that I had planned to share with the business.
Despite all our many conversations to find a solution, we had not agreed on a way forward that we were all happy with.
When I realised I no longer wanted to share my project with them, I knew it was time for me to think about leaving.
If you feel resentment in your relationship, no doubt you too feel that there is an imbalance of some kind.
You’re unhappy much more often than you’re happy
It’s a fallacy to think that any relationship is happy 100% of the time. There are of course ups and downs in any relationship. If you can’t remember the last time you were truly happy and satisfied in your relationship though, the bad times are clearly outweighing the good times.
You’re not happy enough
You might even be relatively happy in your relationship, but still want to leave. This one is hard for people to understand. After all, if you’re happy, why leave?
It’s your life. Only you have the right to decide what to do with it. We don’t have to wait until we are truly unhappy before we decide that something isn’t right for us. Leaving something that is generally good and generally happy does not make you a monster.
In my case, I found myself getting frustrated with the business structure and its limitations. There were aspects of it that worked just fine, and I was happy enough with them. But I realised there were other things I just couldn’t get behind. Those latter things outweighed the former.
You’re lying — to others or to yourself
In an ideal break-up, there’s no need to lie. You can be honest about your feelings, wants, and needs. You’ve worked through your emotions and have no sense of shame about your decision.
If you choose not to be honest with other people about your reasons for leaving, at least be honest with yourself.
Deciding to leave affects other people, their feelings, and possibly their livelihoods.
If you choose to explain your decision, you might find yourself walking a fine line between the whole truth and a white lie.
Be careful chasing happiness
The grass always looks greener on the other side.
When considering ending a relationship, it’s wise to take time to think it through carefully. Other things might look better than what you already have, but more often than not, just changing your circumstances won’t necessarily make you happier.
We have a honeymoon period with any new situation which is usually followed by a realisation of how things truly are. We can be easily blinded and tempted by new experiences.
That doesn’t mean that all decisions to go to pastures new are bad decisions. It simply means it’s important to think through the consequences and the possible new reality before taking action.
Don’t be in a hurry
If you feel a sense of urgency to end the relationship, perhaps you haven’t worked through the process enough yet and you will most likely still have strong feelings of anger or resentment.
Leaving any relationship at this point will be uncomfortable for everyone concerned.
If you can slow things down to allow yourself to work through some of the feelings before you leave, there’s more chance of ending the relationship on a good note. All concerned can value each other.
It’s not necessary to destroy a relationship in order to leave it.
When we make decisions impulsively, in the heat of the moment, we have rarely thought them through fully.
Nor do we need to create a situation that forces the decision. I look back on some of the ultimatums that I gave in past relationships and it seems so clear now how I could have handled those better, giving both of us time to consider what we really want, and accepting that what the other person wants might be entirely different to my own desires.
These days I work harder to arrive at a decision with a sense of peace and calm. I know then that it isn’t simply a reaction. I’ve honoured the other people in the relationship and I’m acting out of love and respect — for me and them — not out of distrust, hate or anger.
Prepare to leave
Are you clear about your reasons for leaving? Whatever they are, like them. Stand behind them. Own them.
This will help you feel strong and supported in your decision.
After taking time to come to a decision, try to prepare to leave with the same peace and calm. Map out a plan if necessary, giving both you and the other person time to prepare things, sort out tasks, and make alternative arrangements.
If you can handle the final period leading up to your last day in this way, all the people involved are more likely to be able to come to terms with the change more easily.
Be prepared for resistance
It may well be that your decision to leave something in order to be happier will be met with anger. It isn’t selfish to make a decision that will make you happier, even though it might make other people unhappy.
Each of us needs to decide what is right for us in our own lives. We can’t expect our happiness to be met by other people’s sacrifice.
When I announced my decision to leave the business, some people were certainly angry. Some were disappointed. Others were worried. Some were resentful.
When we change our minds, when we leave something we’ve previously committed to, these are common reactions.
However, since I had tried to address my concerns over several weeks, I don’t think anyone was really surprised by my decision. No one could accuse me of suddenly throwing in the towel without proper consideration and planning.
I had been honest about my position and why it wasn’t working for me. A few business partners told me they understood.
When you announce that you are leaving, you too will no doubt have people question your decision. They will most likely be thinking about how it will affect them, rather than your need to do it for your own growth.
Why do you stay in a relationship that is no longer fulfilling?
Why do we have a hard time leaving relationships? So many reasons…
Money. Convenience. Fear. Comfort. Doubt. Shame. Expectation.
We often convince ourselves we can make any situation better, even when there is little joy in it. Leaving a bad relationship can be painful at first because of the fear of being alone. It’s also difficult for us to accept failure.
We don’t need to see the end of a relationship as a failure though. ‘Failure’ implies it didn’t work, whereas in almost any relationship some things did work. Even if on balance you believe that there were more unsuccessful than successful aspects, there is still learning and growth that come from that experience. The only real failure would be not learning anything from it and repeating it all again.
I don’t see my recent business partnership as a failure. Instead, I appreciate some of the new working relationships I made with several people. I am applying my experience to a new project that I know I will be happier dedicating myself to. My time and money weren’t lost: they were invested and I will grow as a result of it.
Make your separation as healthy as possible
If you’re planning to leave something, and you feel in a hurry to get it done, it’s likely you haven’t worked through a lot of the feelings about it.
There are ways to end a relationship so that there is as little pain and hurt as possible for all concerned. Rushing at the decision and its consequent actions doesn’t usually result in amicable, constructive separations.
If you’ve already decided the time has come to call it quits, I really hope you can find a way to do it with love and care, for yourself and everyone else concerned.